psychedelic dreams

This is probably one of those days when my melancholy self takes over and forces me to look back.

You know that it is seldom that I admit how sad I am.

I would like to call myself the master of deceit. I can dupe people into believing what I want them to believe. The best part of it is that I can make my own self believe that I am what I want to be or perhaps what need to be. It is perhaps part of what people call self-defense. It’s the shell where I hide in, a full body armor to protect me.

As you know by now, my life has recently been a whirlwind of emotions, lessons, realizations. I have held my head up high through all these times. And I know that I will not falter, especially not now. Like those cheesy soap operas go, I was born to win.
Now just recently, some events in my life have stirred sleeping dragons in me, flaming what I thought were long forgotten emotions and memories. And I succumb to the pain and the anger that I held back for a very, very long time. I cried the tears that I held back for ages. I screamed the words that I muted for eons. I let almost everything out.

Now, I came to go back to the first day of this series of drunken nights. I went back to remembering every single detail of every single night of drunkenness, up to today when I am most of the time sober now. Why do I drink anyway? Why did I decide to start drinking (again) anyway? What was it that compelled me to love this unresponsive mass of liquid that intoxicates me and takes me to a whole new dimension?

You guessed right my friends. It was the need to escape. I wanted to run away from it all. I;m like 13 again, lost and confused, alone and afraid, tall outside but tiny inside. It is growing up all over again. I guess I’m not too good with disappointment.

At least I know what I need to work on now.

So now the tears have been wiped away, a toast to what tomorrow will bring! Cheers!

I never thought
those lines on boy band songs

were right.

“Your lips they taste so sweet.”

I have always blogged things when I feel really down. I need a way to vent the stress.

So here I am again, a week before my birthday, struggling with this frequent wave of sadness coming over me at the most inconvenient times. It’s like I am being forced into a portal of the past. My dreams, my idle recalls are all of the past. It is like I am haunted by a ghost. I enjoy the recall every once in a while yet when it comes to the point where the most painful and regretful moments are remembered, I just beak down and cry. Most of these moments were times when I wasn’t able to say anything about what happened. These were times that I suffered a great deal of silent agony. Most of these events, so to speak, I still suffer from.

Now, over a lonely lunch today, I pondered on things. I asked myself if it was really fair that I get to be the duped person in the end of the story. Empty promises, losing people who you really kept close, things that you sacrificed for but never got anything in return? Sad stories, huh? Am I too trusting of people that people abuse the trust that I give them? Am I too vulnerable to be that gullible?
For someone like me, I would do anything to keep what I have, what little things that make me happy. I sacrifice a lot for the people I love. Yet, in the end, I always end up being martyred. I hold on to important things, promises, trust, love like my life depended on it. As I always said, I love with my all even if the person who I give my love to doesn’t deserve it, even if I don’t get his all or anything at all in return. Even if you have this feeling that you’d be duped or something, you still believe in whatever they say. It’s stupid isn’t it?

Maybe I just believe in keeping one’s credibility. Maybe…

Oh god damn it! Why do I always have to learn things that hard way

Noong kamakailan aking naisipang lumikha ng isang awitin. Sa totoo lang, hindi ko alam kung ano ang malilikha ko. HIndi na kasi katulad noon na parang napakabilis ng pagdaloy ng musika at salita mula sa aking isipan papunta sa aking mga labi at mga kamay. Noon, pag tumipa ako ng gitara, awtomatikong nakagagawa ako ng isang obra (para sa akin ay isa nang obra).

Huli akong sumulat ng awit mahigit tatlong taon na ang nakararaan. Ang awiting ito ay inabot rin ng mahigit tatlong taon bago natapos. Nakakatuwa kasi inialay ko ang awiting iyon para sa isa pang taong alam kong mahalaga para sa iyo.

Nakita mo? Tatlong taon, mahal ko. Tatlong taon.

Ngunit makalipas ang isang taon, bakit ngayo ko lamang naisipang magsulat ng awitin para sa iyo. Nakapagtataka talaga. Nakapagtataka.
Siguro pinilit ko kasing kalimutan ka. Pinilit ko kasing mamanhid sa katotohanang hindi na kita makakasamang muli. Pinilit kong limutin ang lahat. Pero mahirap, mahal ko, mahirap. Naghahalo ang pagsisisi, galit, poot, at iba pang mga emosyon sa tuwing sumasagi ka sa aking isipan. Gusto kong umiyak. Gusto kong sumigaw. Gusto kong gumanti sa lahat ng taong gumawang nagpahiwalay sa atin. Gusto kong maramdaman nila ang sakit na nararamdaman ko magpahanggang ngayon. Pero alam kong hindi mo gusto iyon. Alam kong ang taong iyon ay napakahalaga para sa iyo.

Sa tuwinang aawitin ang espesyal na himig na noon sana’y aking aawitin sa iyo sa oras na nagkaroon ako ng pagkakataon, hindi ko mapigilang magalit. Hindi ko mapigilang umiyak. Hanggang ngayo’y nagdadalamhati pa rin ako sa pagkawala mo. Naiisip kong naririto ka pa rin sa aking piling. Naiisip kong naririto ka pa rin sa akin. Pero wala… wala na, mahal ko. Ni hindi ko na masisilayan ang pagmulat ng iyong mga mata. Hindi ko na maririnig ang iyong paghinga. Hindi ko na mahahalikan ang iyong mga labi.

Mahal ko, ngayon lang ako naglakas ng loob sumulat ukol sa iyo. Patawarin mo ako. Huwag mo sanang isiping wala ka na sa puso ko. Mali ka. Hindi ko talaga kayang gawain iyon. Ikaw lang, ikaw lang ang mahal ko. Ikaw lang ang nag-iisa sa puso ko. Patawarin mo ako at hindi ko nagawang ipaglaban ka. Patawarin mo ako at hindi ko nagawang tulungan ka. Patawarin mo ko, mahal ko.

Muli kong sinusubukang tipain sa gitara ang awiting nilikha ko para sa iyo. Ngunit hindi ko talaga mapigilang dumaloy ang mga luha. Sana’y naririnig mo ang aking himig. Sana’y marinig mo ang aking awitin.
Sana’y hayaan mong maramdaman kong muli na nakasandal ang iyong ulo sa aking mga bisig. Hayaan mong kahit magkalayo na tayo’y awitan kita ng isang himig.

Patawarin mo ako. Mahal na mahal kita, anghel ko.

*Angel
08/08/06

Everything was quiet
Calm and serene

But you were stupid enough
not to listen

And all hell broke loose
When you opened the box

2PM: still awake. need to sleep for work tonight. need to rest for another grueling night.

(flashback)

8AM: end of shift
: waited for the weapon outside while having a drag
: white mocha venti frappe at starbucks courtesy of my boss (thanks TM!Ü♥).
9AM: small talk with goldie, hanni, rache, the weapon
: review for rache’s exam
: went back to stellar to send rache off to her exam and wish her good luck
10AM: hung out a little to do small talk with duane, goldie and hanni
: chitchat about everything
: texted ikey and lex asking if we were going out on saturday night
: yosi
: bid everyone goodbye as needing to go home for work tonight
: hailed goldie and duane a cab
: walked home
: texted rache to wish her good luck
: texted ikey
: replied to ikey
: received a text from the weapon
: dodged a bus while crossing the street due to “shock” with tm’s text
: forwarded message to hanni, goldie and rache
11AM: exchange of texts with goldie discussing forwarded message
: exchange of text with ikey about little things
12PM: short exchange of texts with hanni discussing forwarded message as well
: short exchange of texts with rache discussing exam and forwarded message as well

my point in blogging today is that i am bothered by this text message that my boss just sent me. it’s weird because i didn’t commit anything that would bring shame to my name (especially not now since i am new to them and they are new to me). so i just wonder how come it was li’l ol’ me who was picked on today? *bats eyelashes* *sad face*
i mean c’mon! i was just sitting there outside the off limits zone. it’s where almost everybody hangs out HELLO??? so now there is a new rule that doesn’t allow people to hang out at a hang out? that’s so nice.

it’s weird… really. until now i am trying to analyze things. maybe i should just lay low for now, hush the talk of my name a little. oh well…

i will find out tonight what it really is about. though all i know is that i didn’t break any rule at all.

oh yeah… did i mention that i almost got run over by a speeding bus while crossing the highway? i was so deep in thought that i forgot to look to my right. good thing i saw a blue that kicked me out of my senses and it was the last step to safety. that was really a close one. whew!

It’s funny how I decided to go there last night. I didn’t realize that I was gate crashing. Haha!

Though I was welcomed dearly by old friends. It was funny. It was a situation that was so awkward that we were all so obviously trying not to be awkward in front of each other, like cautiously making every move. It was like we were going to kill each other any minute.
Haha! Too many skeletons in the closet.

Of course we eventually loosened up. It was funny. There were things that I found out just now. And it has been what, 6 years since? And I found out only last night, or today for that matter. It was funny.

I found out about some recent things as well. Of course I will not reveal them here. I vowed to myself that I won’t.

Maybe next time we’ll see… more revelations perhaps?

I never thought that I’d revert to this horrible horrible thing.

I may smile on the outside. But inside, I cry at the littlest thing.

It’s a whirlwind, an emotional turmoil.

God save me.

And I just can’t stop thinking of you.
No matter what I do
I see you in my dreams.
I see you in my every fantasy.

I need you here with me.

I want to feel the warmth of your kiss.
I want to feel the heat of your skin next to mine.

I need you so desperately.

Save me from insanity.

Love me as I have loved you
In my mind in my heart in my soul
I really do

I desperately need you.

Everybody knows how I like being forward about things. Everybody knows that I, myself, like to be forward about my opinions and my views on just about everything.

It took some time for me to learn about choosing the right words. And it took longer and harder for me to learn about saying them at the right time. I do not expect everybody to say the right things at the right time. In the perfect world, perhaps, people would have been nice to everybody. But in our world, that is the one that we move in, uh, consciously move in, we have to say things sometimes that we know may be hurtful or offensive, so to speak, towards others. And the trick to it is positive scripting and right timing.

Alright, alright! I know that by now you’re asking what the hell happened and I am blogging about this. Well, here’s how the story goes:

Today, (or should I say last night or earlier this morning) I got monitored SIDE-BY-SIDE by “The Weapon” aka my Team Manager. He got to listen to 10 calls of mine. The first 5 were good. I know I did well. But you have to understand that it always can be so rattling to know that someone’s looking over your shoulder while you’re trying your very best to do your job in the best way.
So my hands were shaking out of the cold and the rattling feeling that The Weapon was making my poor little self feel. I messed up the later part of the monitoring. Though it wasn’t all that bad (that’s what he says). Then he got pretty disappointed since he kinda was expecting the better of me to surface. Then he made a little comment.not once but twice in succession! And I didn’t like what I heard. So I asked if I could go to the ladies’ room for a few seconds. He agreed. So I got off my seat. And tried to walk briskly to the loo while holding back the tears.
Yes, my dear brethren, tears. I seriously got offended. I don’t really think that I should be, honestly. But then again when you are amidst emotional turmoil and nervousness and everything else rolled up into a single situation, you will definitely feel the same way as I had. And of course, he commented on what he thought I was feeling and doing about my job. And he was sitting right next to me breathing down my neck in reminder that he was watching me.
I know I look lousy most of the time. I think it comes with my attitude and the so-called image that I am portraying. But hey, I take almost everything seriously though most people don’t know that since they think that I’m just this happy-go-lucky alcoholic who just likes to party and thinks like a sponge. So, I think I have the right to feel bad.

No, I don’t hate The Weapon in any way. I know he made that comment in good faith that I will use it as something to make me better. Of course, that is what I will do. I am in love with my job, and my team. I would not create a reason for me to leave (unless given enough to decide otherwise). Now, don’t worry. I told him about it. He courteously apologized. I just told him that he owes me coffee to make up for making me cry (and I mean it, really. ).
Hey I love my boss. He’s the boss that you can kid around with A LOT. And he’s nice even if he’s bad with multi-tasking (I really had to get that out). And I really appreciate how he can be a friend and a boss at the same time without you noticing it.

Anyway, when I think about what happened today,  I really have to smile to myself. I think in one angle it’s too shallow. But I think that I still have the right to feel bad (I was wearing a skirt at work for god’s sake!). He could’ve at least appreciated that effort. *snicker*

But my point in saying this is we have another example of the importance of the right timing to say something at the least. We have to admit that there are times that you find no other way to say things but you just have to find the right timing for it. It’s just like going into a relationship. It’s like going into a relationship of some sort. You can have anybody at anytime, destroy lives, ruin other relationships with and of other people. But if it’s not now, then either it’s not meant to happen or not meant for now or something. So, we just have to realize at the least the importance of delivering the right lines at the right moment. You can’t get the girl if you don’t have the right pick up lines.

And yes, I know that when I come back to work on Monday night, I will be the talk of the team. Good luck to myself.