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On an Upward Trend

Last night, after sharing a few bottles with Amrey and Hanni, Goldie and Duanne, I spent some time with my baby, Maverick. I was able to finish a song that took me 3 years to make. And I wsa able to pen another song. I actually had to arrange it this morning when I woke up.

It was last night when I got in touch with my own emotions once again. It was really strange for me. I think I was able to push the negative stuff at the back of my head for 2 months. But when I held my guitar and started playing, I couldn't help but go back to the days that I so wanted to forget. I went back to the days when I wanted what I had right now.

And it was last night when I thought about what I think I needed in life to make me truly complete. And it was weird. I wasn't drunk at all (even after 8 bottles of beer, which is a feat for me). I was even able to text people. It was really weird for me.

Though the sad part of last night was that it was the only off in months that I didn't spend with the usual crowd. And it was kinda sad. I miss those guys and all the creative things that we think of and talk about when we drink. Next week, I hope we all get together.

Now looking at other aspects of my life, I am beginning to find the motivation I am looking for at work. True enough, I have a very wonderful team, a cool boss, and great friends and drinking buddies at work. It's really nice that I am beginning to find a family at work, in which I really missed when Lex, Ikey and the rest left Stellar. It's really a good thing that the team is becoming a single unit, though it seems that we are taking too much time, day by day. I can feel the forging of a bond. And I'm sure that it will get stronger as we go along. And now I think they will be like my TCL Family back in Siemens. They will be the reason that I'd stay with the company till I just get burned out or something. Haha!

My life has made a good turn just recently. I have made new friends and acquaintances. I have had what I thought was long forgotten emotions stirred up anew. I am learning new things. And I like it. Let's just hope that this trend continues.

Something Missing

It's starting again. I still try to hide how sad I am. But this hiding puts me into a deeper sadness.

Somebody get me that Cruiser I left in the freezer.

Unlucky

Sometimes, in spite of the smiles I put on every time, I still sink in to this state of depression that no matter how hard I try to dodge, I can never seem to miss.

People try to cheer me up. People try to make me laugh. They think of the most inane ways to make me smile. They text me, call me, crack jokes, share stories, give me pep talks, make me watch comedy or something. Some people go the extreme and hook me up with other people.
I appreciate their efforts, the extremes they go through just to make me laugh. I appreciate the efforts that people give to protect me from getting hurt, how they bar negative thoughts from my head.
I wonder what I'd do without them.

But in full truth,  sometimes I just feel so unlucky. I'm not saying that I'm unlucky with the recent forging of a strong friendship at work and the career opportunity. But hey, when I look at the bigger picture I know that I am unluckier in more ways than I am lucky.

Is there really a way to change luck, to control fate and paint destiny? If someone has answers, let me know...

I just noticed that my thoughts are beginning to come from everywhere. My head is going haywire. I've got to stop.

Pissed off, Big Time

One thing I hate is going back on one's word. It really pisses me off.

Let's say for example you set an appointment with me or something. Then you cancel last minute because you overslept or you just probably stood me up. I think it would piss you off as well.

One more example I could give is when I loan you something, perhaps, a gadget, a shirt, or whatever. When you say that you will return it on a certain date, then do return it on the said date that you mentioned. I can give a little leeway. But consume too much of my patience and it will blow me off.

I think it's kinda abusive if you do any of such or similar. I'm nice as I am. But please do not abuse my kindness to you or to anybody.

I am just venting. Anybody who gets hurt could be guilty as charged and should give themselves up to the authorities.

'Nuff said.

Bulong

Bakit nga ba mahirap? Sino nga naman bang gaganahan magtuloy kung mag-isa ka lang? Sino nga naman bang gaganahan kung alam mong wala ka namang mahihita sa bandang huli? Maraming mga tanong ang bumabagabag sa aking isipan ngayon. Maraming mga bagay na gusto kong linawin.
Sabi nga ng kaibigan ko, hindi madaling makalimot. Totoo. Hindi madaling magtapon ng mga alaala. Siguro sa ibang mga tao, ganoon na lamang sa kasimple ang mga ganoong bagay.
Pero sa akin, lahat ng sandaling may alaala ay mahalaga. Lahat ng salitang binitiwan ay naaalala. Lahat ng bagay na napagusapan, naitatago. Pero sa isang iglap, sa ibang tao, madaling limutin ang ganon.

Sabi kasi nila, pag mahalaga ang isang tao o bagay para sa iyo, pinkaiingat-ingatan mo ito. Parang gusto mong kuhanan ng litrato ang lahat ng sandali. O di naman kaya'y kunan ng bidyo. Sa utak mo, paulit-ulit na pinapalabas ang mga sandaling magkasama kayo na parang pelikula sa DVD. Pero sa ibang tao, makatapos ang mga pangyayari, nililimot nila ito.

Siguro lamang lang ako sa iba. Siguro iba lang talaga ako magmahal. Kahit sa kaibigan, sa pamilya, sa kaklase, sa katrabaho, sa kasintahan. Kaya siguro hindi ako madaling makalimot. Kasi iba ako magmahal...

Issues

If you have visited my multiply site, you might have noticed that I have been hanging around 5 people at the most recently: sam, dean, vincent, franz and dale. I mostly with the first four.

I am most at ease with dean. I dunno. I guess we just have a lot in common and at the same time a lot different than each other that the similarities and differences complement us. We argue, yes. We sometimes do not like each other. We most of the time get along. We help each other when in times of need. But as recent posts would say, everything stays platonic.
I wouldn't say that dean is not one person you would like. He has the looks to die for, the attitude and the moves you would like in one guy. But to me, he's just another guy who I hang out with. Okay... Let's just say that I may veer my eyes towards him. But hell! I wouldn't let my self fall for him unless I was given enough reason to.

So why am I blogging about this? Let's just say that I am quite caught surprised by the reaction that people are giving me with my treatment towards dean. As if I treat any other person differently. I mean maybe dean is a lot  more touchy-feely with me compared to my other friends. But hey! That's pretty normal with us. Dean and I have our own terminologies and things that are quite private; though these things are not that private that other people will not be able to relate to it.
Let's just say that Dean and I have a good connection between us.

In my own defense, Dean has a girlfriend. And i on the other hand has just recently got out of a relationship. And I guess I'm not ready to be in another compromising relationship, especially now that I am enjoying what I took for granted for the past three years.

And I quite do not understand why people mistake our affection for something else other that what I have for all of the others. It's just funny. A lot of people think that I only go out and crash some other friend's place to be with Dean. But hey! I can always go home and choose to be at home. I turn Dean down sometimes when I really can't go out. I have  turned Dean down several times on requests that put me in really compromising situations. And I have did so to other people. And I am so surprised to find out that most of my older friends do not know me that well.

But the hell with that... I just enjoy Dean's company as I enjoy other people's company.

So... enough with the issues.

Keep Bleeding in Love

When everything goes beyond platonicism, things start to get bloody and all.

So there...

Just a thought on what's happening right now.

Here I go again with Platonicism 2

Okay, so here I am again to rant about love. I am here to prove the point that love ruins life's greatest plans for a person. It diguises itself as a happy moment. But later on, you realize that it was just a trap set to get you off track.

So why do people get into non-platonic relationships anyway?

Well, here's what I think. Since man is innately in need of security, we go into a non-platonic relationship with someone to make sure that thy are not alone and isolated in this world. We make sure that there will always be someone waiting at the door when we come home. We want to make sure that someone will make us feel special.

But I still don't get it. I think that platonicism is the most harmonious relationship in the entire universe. You don'd fight about anything. You don't argue about little things. You don't stress yourself out with finding presents monthly. You don't have rules for going out. Damn! You are as free as a bird. Plus, you get all the emotional burder you could ever pray for.

So why do poeple choose to go into non-platonic relationships?

I still don't understand.

Or maybe I am just hurt that platonicism is banging my head with a rock...

I hate that I like you this much...

About them... I reckon

Okay, so I guess I am officially lost in the friendship universe.

I was just browsing for updates when I saw new photo oploads from two friends. It was about the block Xmas party. I just scanned through the pictures. I didn't want to feel bad that I wasn't able to attend. But hell! I feel oh so goddamn bad that I feel like crying now!

I miss my friends. I miss my class. I miss the kulitan, the kopyahan, the gimmicks, the baduy jokes. I miss how we would hag out and just talk. i miss how we would share everything to each other. I miss how we would gang up on a person that one of our friends hate. I miss our sermon moments. I miss our bonding.

God! I miss them all so much.

THis may sound really cheesy but I am on the verge of tears right now.

They are the best people in the entire planet. I know these guys are going to graduate soon. And I'm going to miss them more. I'm happy for them. I'm happy for them all.

I miss our loe life rants and raves. I miss our lunches out. I miss every single thing about my UST friends.

Well, to who ever of you who gets to read this: I'm proud that you're all up there. And I'm hell going to miss you all when you finally get to march that aisle and walk up that stage. :D

I love you guys! :D And I so goddamn  miss you all!

Let's hit the beach!   

Here I go again with Platonicism

I just noticed that most people write when they're lonely or they're heart broken or something in that sense. I find it odd.

They often say that poets are melancholy people. And well, at one point, yes, I agree with them. Artists seem to always find reasons to 'unwind', so to speak (Thanks Boxx!). We always find things to rant and rave about. There is always a good reason to write a song, draw a picture, sing, dance, laugh, cry, or do whatever you want. And right now, I choose to me melancholy about love (so cliche!).

One thing I have always asked myself about, every time I have some silly heart ache, is why relationships don't remain platonic? It's not quite easy to grasp, really, the idea of not having an erotic relationship with a person (most especially of the opposite sex).
Recently, I have been through a whirlwind of emotions ranging from ecstasy to out right depression. Until now, I am still trying to swim away from the depression. I have lost a love. And I have been led on to loving nothing. And in spite of the fact that I know that there is nothing to love, I still fell for it.

Love makes people stupid, I think. Love ruins platonic relationships with other people. Love destroys concentration and focus. So why can't people just have platonic relationships instead? If every relationship was platonic, then envy, hate, anger, obsession, et al towards another person will not exist. Every thing will be down right happy and harmonious. Why should almost every relationship move up a level and gear towards something more than being 'platonic'?

Well, so much for my being anti-intimacy. Or maybe I am just bitter about recent and current occurences in my life. Hmmm...

Well, let me just quote a few lines from Pablo Neruda's Tu Risa or Your Laguhter:

Deny me bread, air
Light, spring
But never your laughter
For I would die.

*****
Please do not deny me your laughter for I would definitely lose the light to my day.

*Currently: hooked with Pablo Neruda